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TheWeirdcrap.com offers an outlet for Bel Garion. Which is good because it keeps him off the streets.

Monday, November 14, 2005

A Heartwarming Story About A Guy They Call Jerome

After popping Jerome’s head off and killing the unknown evils lurking within the mind of the Old Bastard Fuck Neighbor’s cat. I called upon the Lord to go into the Old Bastard Fuck Neighbor’s apartment and retrieve Jerome’s head.

The Lord: “Why?”

Saint Garion: “He deserves better than living in there. And I’ll shake the coke can full of pennies if you don’t.”

Dutifully the puppy who is the Lord obeyed for he fears the can of pennies and loud noise. I took Jerome’s head into our apartment and placed it in the litter box of the Lord.

The Lord: “Why in there?”

Saint Garion: “Your piss and shit will keep him alive.” I explained.

Jerome’s body was gone. It didn’t pop off when I hit it with the car. It just kind of squished. Jerome and I had such great times; I couldn’t just let him wander off to certain damnation.

The Lord was fine having Jerome’s head in his litter box. He didn’t like me having to clean his piss and shit anyway, so now he would just piss and shit in Jerome’s mouth. It saved Jerome the trouble of jostling his head around to get at that which is life and I didn’t have to clean the litter!

Things were great. But then the headless body of Jerome healed, no doubt through an ineffable connection to the litter box, and started wandering around looking for its missing head. It broke into the Old Bastard Fuck Neighbor’s apartment first, then Old Bastard Fuck Neighbor sensing an opportunity to cause me to suffer, sent the headless corpse in my direction.

The Lord sensing the need within Jerome’s headless corpse went to his litter box. There he saw Jerome’s head happy as could be rolling around in the piss and shit he had not yet eaten.

The Lord: “And now I will reunite you with your body, for it is wandering around outside and Saint Garion is going to start shaking the coke can of intolerable noise and horror at it if it doesn’t go away.”

So the Lord went into his litter box, not to piss or shit, as a disappointed Jerome head would soon learn, but to pull the head from the litter box and take it to his body, which was lurking around by the front door.

Jerome: “What are you doing? No leave me here!”

The Lord: “What?”

Jerome: “I am very happy right here in the Litter Box of Eternal Life. Don’t send me back into the world on top of that hellish body!”

And the Lord saw Saint Garion go for the coke can coke can of intolerable noise, horror, and pain. “Sorry buddy, that can is about to shake ‘cause your body is hanging around and I fucking hate it when that can shakes.”

Jerome bit the side of the urine soaked litter box in defiance but the Lord, being almighty and all easily tossed him out of Saint Garion’s apartment and down the field far away from the threat of the coke can coke can of intolerable noise, horror, and pain.

I put the can back on the shelf when the headless zombie took off after Jerome’s head and said, “Praise the Lord! You’re such a good doggie. Yes, yes, you know you’re a good dog.”

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