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TheWeirdcrap.com offers an outlet for Bel Garion. Which is good because it keeps him off the streets.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

The Lord vs. The Flies

My enchanting paramour and I came home last night to find the Lord in combat with a swarm of flies. He was loosing (as much as a dog can loose to a fly) ‘cause every time he killed one he’d feel sorry for it and bring it back.

The night before I seem to remember thinking, “man these things have really gotten aggressive, that one just landed on me without a second thought…”

Turns out it thought we were friends, until I smacked it dead. I went into the kitchen to find the toothpicks fully intending to stick the fly on it just outside the front door. But then all of its brothers and sisters realized what I had done and began to rally.

They were fucking everywhere. Then the Lord called out, “Be gone from this place or this saint will annihilate you all.”

Surprised and shocked at the words coming from the puppy, the flies made for the windows, which were now closed. It was too late. I had the flyswatter out and my enchanting paramour found the wasp poison; more than a match for the poor helpless flies. But before the killing could begin, we needed music. The Bloodhound Gang’s new song Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo is probably the best thing to happen to this world in a long time. The Lord and God are in agreement. So we put that on and cackled maniacally as we slaughtered the mass of unwanted insects, much in the same way that republicans like to eliminate things like food stamp and medicine programs for the poor.

I shit-you-not, we killed forty to fifty flies. I didn’t think that many flies could spawn in 24 hours, but they fucking did it. We had to go out and buy another box of tooth picks but all is well.

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