Back Pain, a Knife, and the Word of God

By Garion,

It occurred to me that it was time to write my blog so I have fastened myself into a brace and using my arms have hoisted myself into this chair. Despite my great fuck back pain I will write this to you and hopefully fascinate you yet again with the shit that comes out of my head and God’s mouth.

I’ve been laid out on my back all week, wondering when the lord would stop chewing on my fingers and if God was ever going to stop laughing at me for hurting my back playing a video game.

No I haven’t been to the doctor. They are after all, of the devil. That isn’t what God says of course. God says, “Go to the doctor you idiot. I want to watch them stick something up your ass.” That’s when I use my no-mind technique to make him stop. I say, “nononononononono” in my head and pretend God isn’t there, and that Jessica Simpson and Cameron Diaz are there wearing nurse uniforms, giving my girlfriend a bath. I think God likes the images I conjure up in my head ‘cause he usually gets quiet when I use this technique, and then it starts to rain.

Back pain is a real fuck bastard of a thing. And I don’t need a doctor to tell me it hurts or that I should stay immobile until it gets better. I basically just have to wait for God to make it better.

He took pity on me this morning. When I woke lying on my back a pool of my girlfriend’s drool had formed on my chest. The first thing God says is, “Cut your self and let it in.”

It did make me feel better but when my girlfriend woke up with blood on her face she wrestled the knife out of my hands, and wrenched my back out of place yet again. Bitch didn’t want to hear that God told me to do it.